Have you ever had a moment where it doesn’t matter where you are, no matter how hard you try to stop it, it happens?
You have had this feeling coming for so long, you knew it was coming, you have been trying to get distracted, to become even more busy, to do whatever you can to ignore it, yet when it happens you are shocked that it is happening. It can be at the line up of the grocery store, in your car, while talking to your Childs teacher, or even your bathroom floor.
You hold your breathe, begging and tying to barter with yourself to make it not happen, but you feel your face get hot, your eyes start to burn, and the tears overwhelm you and take over, and come running down your face. If you are in public, you start noticing the stares, the occasional person will stop and ask if you are ok. You apologize and start making excuses about how you just had a long day, or say it’s nothing, and try to continue on with your day, hoping that no one will recognize you next time you are out, as the crazy unstable lady who just cries at random.
This was your breaking point. You have tried so hard to pretend that everything was ok, but in reality you were not dealing with whatever you have going on, and you just kept pushing it down. You could be doing this for days, weeks, months, or even years. It doesn’t matter how long you have been doing this, or what the reason is, but once your body tells you it can’t push it down any longer, it will just come crashing down.
You spent so long trying to have your house ready for guests, just to keep the appearance up that you are OK. You have been continuing finding the perfect gifts for the right occasions, and eat right, and be involved in all the right community events. You have been the go to person for all your friends, pretending that you are Ok. You don’t know how much more pretending you can do.
You are not OK.
I know that feeling. I am not OK. It took me years to finally admit that. Well if I am being honest, I have said it a few times before, but the ones that I said it to, saw my reality that I was trying to convince everyone of, and they saw a put together person and they thought how can this person not be OK, she looks OK to me. That was always the end of the conversation. No one asked again, or tried to help. I started thinking that maybe I can just do this on my own.
I was wrong. I hit my breaking point.
I know some of you can relate to this. With me dealing with all of this, the only way I got out of it, was with the hopes that I can help someone else not get to where I was. I thought about the areas that I needed help with. I remembered how some days I couldn’t even get out of the house, but I needed to get Christmas presents, or there was an empty wall in my house that I kept staring at, thinking it needs the right thing there to make my house complete and for me to be happy. I remember thinking if only I could get some help planning my meals, or a coffee, or how I am going to go to event, and how cute it would be for my girls to have coordinating outfits, or how my sister absolutely needs a Hockey Mom shirt to show support to her son’s hockey game. How easy it would be if you could find all of this in just one place.
This may not be what will help you, but this is helping me, and with your love and support I will continue to do this, with the hope that at least one busy and tired and stressed mama, will get to have one more moment before “it” happens.